


First Time [2/2]

by ridakulous



Series: First Time [2]
Category: Glee
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-06
Updated: 2014-06-06
Packaged: 2018-02-03 16:26:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,922
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1751108
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ridakulous/pseuds/ridakulous
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Also written for Faberry week 2012. Prompt: Christmas in New York. Quinn POV.</p>
<p>The first time Quinn Fabray is seen in public with Rachel Berry outside of school function is nearly thirteen years after they first met.</p>
            </blockquote>





	First Time [2/2]

The first time Quinn Fabray lets Rachel Berry walk away from her, she instantly knows it’s the biggest mistake of her life.

It’s a bittersweet, destructive memory for awhile, and Quinn blames Rachel for ruining what’s supposed to be one of the happiest days of her life. The ring she had bought for Rachel sits under a rumpled graduation robe and two cardboard boxes that remain untouched all summer long in her closet. The box is bedazzled, a small, playful jab at Rachel’s obsession and inside holds a gold ring. It’s eighteen karat, a simple, delicate design with a gold star and their initials engraved inside the band. It was supposed to be her graduation gift, before Rachel stormed out and never looked back.

She’s angry at Rachel for pushing her away, angry at her for not returning her calls, so angry and hurt that Rachel’s stronger than her and moving on to bigger and better without Quinn that even Puck learns to steer clear of the girl’s name after her knee catches him between the legs. Because Quinn’s angry just thinking about her, mostly because Rachel left and never bothered to give her her heart back.

Quinn spends her summer alternating between painting a fake smile onto her face that’s fooling no one and curling up ball on the Fabray living room floor, cuddled around a fifth of vodka that Judy wouldn’t notice was missing with her new social life. Everyone was going, even her mother, and Quinn just feels stuck in place without anyone to pull her loose because they’re all too far ahead; she’s never felt more alone and empty, including her homeless, sexually confused days she lived couch to couch without a place to call home or people to call family.

She goes to community college, shuffling through her classes and feeling like she was meant to do something so much more with her life. There are nights when she wonders, fleetingly, if she would have kept Rachel if she had just been more brave.

One day, crowding around the Hudson-Hummel house for Thanksgiving, she snaps at Kurt. He’s been shooting her these looks, of pity and empathy of all things, and Quinn’s had enough. She yells for a solid five minutes, unsure of when he transformed into Rachel and when she forgot to be scared of everything she was. Kurt wraps a gentle arm around her and Quinn sobs into his designer scarf, promising to buy him a new one as she blows her nose and Kurt opens his laptop to book two one-way tickets.

She makes sure to grab the damn box that’s been burning at the back of her mind, stuffing it quickly into her back pocket before she tears out of the room. It’s the first time Quinn’s felt like herself, ever, and she holds onto it with every ounce of strength she’s got.

xx

The first time Quinn Fabray fights for Rachel Berry she fails miserably, but that only makes her try harder. A door is slammed in her face the second it opens, and Quinn can feel the scrape against her self-confidence. She bangs louder on the door, an obnoxious fist against the old, creaky door and Rachel’s gone silent from inside her dorm. She expected many things: insults, arguing, a surprised exclamation, Rachel jumping into her arms so she could carry them both off into the sunset… but this had never even crossed her mind. Since when was Rachel Berry ever quiet? She can remember only one time, buried steep under all of her shame, and her fist pauses mid-knock. Quinn Fabray has a lot of atoning to do.

"Rachel, please."

Quinn’s met with silence and it stings far more than it should. Old Quinn would snarl an insult and head back to the airport to lick her wounds, but that isn’t her anymore. She really isn’t sure who or what she is, but all she knows is that Rachel Berry’s the only thing to ever get under her skin and make her feel alive. And that? It has to count for something.

She waits outside her door until three in the morning, when Kurt drags a dejected Quinn back to their motel room.

She’s nothing if not determined, and Quinn goes back every afternoon to bother Rachel for the chance to prove herself.

xx

The first time Quinn Fabray is seen in public with Rachel Berry outside of school function is nearly thirteen years after they first met.

After two weeks of persistence, Rachel finally agrees to see her somewhere. They meet at a busy Starbacks, public and informal enough to keep the pressure off, but Quinn’s shaking, her palms damp under the winter gloves she stole from Kurt. Everything about Rachel screams guarded, from her body language to the careful way she makes sure to never brush up against Quinn and she knows better than to to to push anything right now. Quinn orders Rachel’s drink for her, earning a startled look from her ex-something, and she grins sheepishly in response.

“Kurt used to always complain about it,” she mutters easily, trying to make it sound like she didn’t commit everything Rachel Berry to memory.

It wasn’t that she’s ashamed of the habit, but instead of herself. It’s easy for everything to be Rachel Berry when you picture a future with the girl you knew was in love with you in high school. It’s easy when you’re young and stupid, when you think the girl with dreams as big as the stars in her eyes will wait for you. Reality has been unkind and cruel to Quinn, but maybe it’s what she needed for this to work. Quinn can only hope. She picks up small quirks – the way Rachel’s smile is less stage-practiced and more genuine, the way Rachel’s eyes still shine for her – and it’s more familiarities than differences. Old Rachel didn’t have this confidence. Old Rachel seemed so much more naïve and innocence. This Rachel Berry was different, alive and thriving just like Quinn always knew she would be. This Rachel lived in the moment, in her element, and ran life as hard as it ran her. She’s everything Quinn always knew Rachel could be. They hold a civil conversation, skating around any topic of substance but it’s progress and Quinn clings to the idea that maybe, just maybe, Rachel still loves her.

She takes getting hired and their Starbucks a week later as a sign.

xx

The first time Quinn Fabray kisses Rachel Berry in public they’re ice skating. Quinn’s never been before, it isn’t a Fabray thing, but then again nothing seems to be a Fabray thing besides alcoholism and unhappiness. She trips and slides on the frozen pond, scowling at Rachel who laughs at her. Quinn has to suppress her smile at the infectious noise because Rachel’s laughing with her and it’s so much more than she ever could have hoped for a month ago when she was slamming on her door with her fists. They skate for nearly two hours, and Quinn’s frustrated at the fact that she hasn’t gotten any better while Rachel skates figure eights around her, literally.

Quinn runs off while Rachel ties up their skates and returns with two churros, promising the authenticity of vegan food. The warmth floods through Quinn’s fingertips and she’s glad to be off the ice. They sit on a nearby park bench, brushing some of the snow off of it, and Quinn keeps a respectful distance, her hand rigid against her side. She eats her churro fast, almost too fast, and her free hand fumbles with the bedazzled box. After ten minutes of Rachel’s run-on sentences, something that’s always been oddly endearing to Quinn, she pulls the box out from her coat pocket and offers it over. Their fingertips barely brush but Quinn still blushes at the contact, looking anywhere but into Rachel’s questioning expression.

“It was for graduation. You don’t have to wear it or anything, but I thought that you should maybe kind of-”

“Quinn.”

“Yeah?”

“Is this what I always sound like?” Rachel asks with an amused chuckle, trying to calm her nerves.

“Oh please Berry, you’re nowhere near as articulate.”

That ears a noise of outrage from Rachel who pouts slightly until she remembers the box. She opens it carefully, pulling out the ring to inspect it and Quinn’s hit in the gut with a feeling of dread. What if it’s too big or too small? What if she reads too much into it? What if she doesn’t read enough into it? What if…worse, what if she hates it?

“Finn fed me meat once. He also bought me a pig to be slaughtered for Christmas,” Rachel muses absentmindedly, taking a bite out of her churro. She takes off her glove to handle the ring better, not wanting to drop it into the inches of snow surrounding them.

“He didn’t deserve you,” Quinn bites out, and she wishes that it wasn’t always Rachel Berry she couldn’t push her emotions away with. It’s one of the things that first drew her to Rachel, how open and passionately she felt towards the other girl: whether it was confusion, disdain, or this ridiculous love that pounded against her ears and made her flush when she said something stupid.

“And you did?”

The question doesn’t have any malice behind it, only Rachel’s natural curiosity, but Quinn still flinches back, willing the venom off of her tongue. Lashing out was too easy, too old Quinn, and she starts to realize how much she really hid from everyone. Everyone but Rachel.

“No, I didn’t.”

Quinn’s hazel eyes meet Rachel’s gaze and she does her best to not back down, owning up and accepting the blame where it was due. Quinn still doesn’t deserve Rachel, she secretly thinks sometimes that she never will after what she’s put the girl through, but she’s trying and there really isn’t anything else she can do.

“No, you didn’t,” Rachel draws out slowly, hand sneaking over to grab Quinn’s free one, “but maybe now you do.”

Quinn’s throat feels dry, caked with cinnamon, and she licks her lips once as Rachel’s palm frees her hand of her glove and slides against her own.

It’s her chance, she knows, as a group full of school children rush past them, nearly tripping over each other and the whole pond is filled with people. It’s the middle of the day where everyone can see; people who could watch, judge and hate her without every shaking her hand or meeting her eyes. It’s a terrifying concept, a terrifying reality, but nowhere near as scary as losing Rachel again.

Quinn’s lips are soft against Rachel’s the barest brush of a promise before she looks back to meet warm, brown eyes. Rachel’s grin takes up her whole face and she starts rambling about the newest Off-Broadway production in the works, and Quinn can feel the tracks of her life slip back into place as Rachel slides in closer to warm them both against the snow.

It’s the first time Quinn Fabray kisses a girl in public, the first time she takes Rachel on a date and the first time doesn’t feel scared to live. More importantly it’s her very first Christmas in New York, and for the life of her, she can’t think of a more perfect way to spend the rest of her Christmases than with the only woman who ever managed to make her feel.


End file.
